When dreams become...

Wow, its been a while since I last posted something.... must be because I've been busy with life. With married life that is. And pregnancy.

Oh yes, I've recently gotten married. And recently got pregnant too. My hubby, D, is wonderful. We've managed to stay in love despite and inspite of all the dramas, the check-ups, the family discussions and the hospital stays.

He's truly amazing, which caught me by surprise. I was hospitalized for a week because of high blood pressure and diabetis. Apparently, when you're pregnant you're prone to develop these two terrible things. So the doctor wanted to keep me relaxed by ordering me to total bed rest at the hospital. By the 3rd day, I knew I didn't smell nice... and was dying for a bath or a least a visit to the bathroom to clean-up. I told hubby and he said he'd give me a sponge bath. And he did! I was smiling the whole time because I didn't know that he could be so caring. The nurse actually offered to give me a sponge bath but he said he'd do it.

We still have our little spats, but it never lasts longer than an hour. We always cool down and know how to say sorry. Actually, I'm usually the one who gets irritated... my patience is just too short these days. My mom said this is because of the hormonal changes.

We're having a boy! His name is Kyan Dale. We wanted to find a nice, unique name. I first wanted a Juancho. I didn't know why, I just like the sound of the name. But we didn't agree. So we looked for other names. Hubby found Kyan, its African in origin, and means Little King, while Dale is German and means Valley. So Kyan Dale is little king of the valley. Cute huh?

We're both very excited about Kyan. My parents are too since its their first grandchild.

At the start of the year, a friend said that she dreamed someone was getting married this year. I didn't believe her of course, I mean, how could it be when at the start of the year, I wasn't in love. But now, I believe her... and dreams, can indeed, come true. It surely did for me.

Magic 28

In 3 days, I'll be turning 28. Geez. Among my friends in college, I am the one who turn older last. While in high school, I'm the 4th I think... So when the year starts, I always tease my "older" friends about getting old and when they shot back at me that I will "also grow older", I'd have a rebuttal of "but not until Sept!".

And now September is here... like January never came. Is it really this fast when you're "mature"?

I have a good friend who cringes when my birthday passes because it means she's turning a year older. And the next birthday she'll be 30. Honestly, I don't see birthdays as something to cringe about. I mean, I still feel the same when I was 18, but a much better version of me. I've somehow mellowed, if I may call it that. I used to fight about everything and anything with anyone and everyone. Now, I just listen to what others will say and comment only when necessary. I now have the patience to pick the battles I want to fight.... though my boyfriend would ABSOLUTELY disagree with that! haha

I look at my friends and we are all at a place where we all decide to be. Lately, I've been receiving invites to weddings, baptisms, kiddie parties and such from friends. I see friends who are starting their own families, staying in one job, settling into marital wedded routines (no more nightly gimmicks, no more weekly haunts) and being faithful partners. Sometimes I couldn't believe how that could have happened, then I remember we are all at a stage when we want stability.

And then I look at my life and who I've become. Definitely, there are still a lot of things I still need to learn and improve on. I quote my dad's friend "We are a work in progress until we die". And I am simply that. So far though, I am happy with where I am and who I am.

My favorite number is 8 and my favorite age is 18. I'm quite hopeful of the age 28 and looking forward to things that have no way to go but up.

Benchmarks, et al

How do you know when its the right relationship? Does being happy "all the time" make a good benchmark? Its never been proven that someone can be happy "all the time" so that benchmark is quite unachievable.

I've pondered this over and thought, maybe its the contentment of being with someone. That makes a relationship right. Even when you're not happy all the time and that there will be shitty moments, you still want to be with that person. Maybe when you're not afraid to make mistakes and that whatever your relationship will go through, you both know that you'll come of it fine.

So it is bad when you have your shitty moments, which is very usual these days, and you look out the window and you can't help but that think that you want out? And then you keep silent just so things won't get messed up? Even when you're dying to shout?

But you have your good moments too. And if they're good, they're really good. Even when they're far between.

How do you know when someone really loves you? As in really, really loves you? I know love isn't enough to make a relationship work. There should be honesty, friendship and trust. And it should be more just words. Its so easy to say "I love you" these days. Far too easy. But acting out on those words is hardest and that matters a whole lot.

Don't you just wish that these were taught and studied in school? That for every question, you'd have multiple choice answers and you just need to pick one and you'll be safe? If only life was like that. If only love was like that.

Disappearing act

Its weird, and funny at the same time, when you've become part of a couple and your friends are worried that you'll suddenly disappear out of their sight. That you become and try to be the everything to that someone. I do wish I am everything to that someone, but am not. And I know where I stand, only too well. Which suits me....at this point.

I've spent one too many days and nights by myself, isn't it about time that I spent my days with another being whom I love and loves me back? Not that I don't enjoy being with myself (who wouldn't?!?! hehe), but its such nice, comforting feeling to be with someone who enjoys you, who listens when you don't have anything to say, who makes you laugh about anything & everything, who can make you shiver like a grown woman and giggle like a school girl. Di ba?

My time may be focused on one now, probably because its very fresh and much too fun not to. However, that definitely doesn't mean I am not me anymore. I am still very much me, nothing less. In fact I feel I am more me now, more validated and more in touch with reality. So don't fret my beloved friends, I am not going to disappear out of your sight. Do I hear a "too bad" there? =)

All that jazz

I am with someone. Quite recently. We've decided to be together without all the talk of undying love and promises of forever. It was done so simply, asked so simply and decided so simply.

"I want to be with you." If that was uttered to me a few years back, I wouldn't have reacted. I always had this fairy tale idea of getting proposed to - flowers, music, scenery. The works.

In fairness, we did have the scenery. But the conversation was very practical. Being someone who loves to talk and converse, I wasn't used to being told simply "I want to be with you." I wanted to discuss every tiny detail.

Surprisingly though, that sentence made all the pieces come together. Everything just fell into place. I knew too that in my heart, I want to be with him.

My friends and I made a list of qualities of my next boyfriend:
1. Dapat tiklop ako sa kanya.
Kasi I am very opinionated, I can think and speak my mind. So the next boyfriend should be able to understand and accept that about me, but at the same time should be commanding enough so I can listen to him. D, my boypren (hwehwe), is so bugoy and smart that I am often tiklop. Point 1 - check!

2. He should be successful in whatever field he is in.
D is doing really well in his work. He's been around and done stuff no one could pull off. Applause please! =)

3. Kind.
Though he acts and looks like a toughie, he's a softie inside. (And he's going to kill me if he reads this! hehe)

4. We have great conversations. And stuff (wink wink)
'nuf said.

He may not have promised me rainbows and castles. He may not have promised me pagmamahal na walang sukdulan. He may need to be pushed to meet someone from my circle. But he's seen me as me and still likes me, wants to be with me. And that's all the jazz I need.

Giddy

I've been giddy the past few days. Though I'm afraid to admit it and afraid that people will notice it. Its like I have this really nice balloon and if people get too near, it'll just blow away. I can't risk that, afraid to risk that.

I'm just giddy and am enjoying every second of it.

Comes in 3s

Do you believe that bad luck comes in 3s?

Bad luck number 1:

My weekends usually start on a Friday night. There I was, enjoying my Friday night coffee with my cousin, K, and a friend, R, when I needed to go the washroom. So I went, but when I flushed, the bowl almost overflowed!!! I had nowhere to go, no higher ground to run to. The cube was less than a meter wide. Good thing, it didn't really overflow and when I went out, this kind older lady was waiting. I told her what happened, she took care of telling the janitor to fix it up. Kind soul. She became the angel of my Friday night.

Bad luck number 2:

Saturday night I was out my cousin K (again) and good friends from high school, Dr. R and M. I wore my stappy silver high-heeled sandals coz they were terrific with my get-up :) The last time I wore it was during my friend's wedding and the strap of the right shoe snapped so I had it fixed. But not for good apparently. While walking around, straps of both shoes snapped. It was definitely an emergency : two strapless shoes at 11pm on Saturday night! And I still had two bars to conquer. Good thing one store was still open, but from where we were standing it was about 25 meters away. My girlfriends covered me coz I was walking barefoot. And we all ran, laughing towards the store. I was totally touched with what they all did for me. I got a new pair of sandals, a bit pricey but at least I was fixed in no time. I had my three angels to thank for, without them a seemingly embarrassing situation became a funny one.

Bad luck number 3:

Sundays are usually spent at home, watching tv or films on vcd/dvd. My trusty vcd player suddenly conked out. And I still had 3 films to watch. Damn. No angel this time, no one could fix it. So I went out to the mall instead with my cousin. Along the way, we passed by the church and decided to hear mass as well. Turned out well in the end, coz we were able to hear mass, met up with two other cousins for dinner and had fun.

Bad luck comes in 3s, they say. But no one said good luck follows. Also in 3s. Now I know. And am telling the world about it.

Summer rain

This year's summer has been hottest as far as I can remember. And I think everyone would agree. Its been exceedingly hot, I can't sleep well... with clothes on! But that's another story altogether.

Anyhoo... so it was such a great and tremendous relief when it started raining last week. The first time it rained, all heat from the earth suddently came out, so it wasn't too pleasant. But then it rained almost daily, usually late afternoons and early nights, and its much better.

Thank God for summer night rains. Now, I'm just waiting for the other gift I've been waiting for: someone to spend summer night rains with :)

Adieu my love

I've been sick the past few weeks - the common sipon and really bad cough which started, well, normally. I've never been this sick for such a long while. Its hard! Hard on the body, I couldn't think straight, I was always feeling tired and sleepy. Hard on the pocket too. Damn, the medicines these days are horribly expensive.

Anyhoo, one good thing came out of this sickness... I've quit smoking! After almost 8 years of smoking (minus 8 months of quitting in 2001), I've quit again. Its already been about a month and half and I think I might be successful in finally kicking the habit. There are moments of weakness though... like when I went out last Saturday, I was dying to have a smoke. But instead of lighting one stick, just took a puff from my friend's cig.

It ain't easy to quit when its something you've done for so long, for too long. Smoking has been my companion when I needed to think, when I was scrambling for words and ideas for my thesis. Smoking has been my way of resting from work, for at least 10 minutes. Smoking has kept me awake on the nights I had to stay late at work. Smoking has been with me to witness beautiful sunsets, great drinks and splendid conversations. Smoking has been there when I'm sad, bitchy, happy or drunk or in love.

Come to think of it, smoking has been the longest relationship I've had! Longer than the 5-year-on-&-off-again relationship with the love of my life. Now, that's taking it so far.... but I'm sure some of you know what I mean.

So, with a bit of sadness, I bid adieu to the one who I'll always remember fondly, smoking. I'm never going to be the same, but I am going to better and healthier without you.

React ka dyan?!

I guess the reason I like Andres Bonifacio better is because he was known more for being the reactionary leader, rather than being the thinker or planner. He was true to himself really, things were not going right, so he needed to do something about it. People are like that. Just like in science (was that physics? hehe), for every action there is a reaction.

I was raised to say something, anything really, when I had an idea. Being an only child for 11 years, my parents raised me more like their friend than their kid, so I was involved in every discussion there was. That trait I was able to bring to school, college and work.

Just last December, I moved desks. I am now sitting with my fellow managers, Solty, Michelle and Jan. All four of us are good friends, and we work really well together since we always respect what the other does. So moving deaks was a delight really, easier to discuss things since we are literally an arm's length away from each other.

But most important is that I learn things from them. I hope they learn things from me too, like, ummm.... stuff, you know..... =)

Solty is the mother-hen, she's so organized and doesn't seem to complain much. Michelle doesn't react much, that's what I truly admire about her. Jan is..... THE ROCK! She's the epitome of editing. hehehe.

I, on the other hand, react to every action, reaction, counter-reaction. Walking time bomb. I talked to Kai, my boss, about that. I said I wanted to be more in control of my reactions. I needed to, basically, learn to not react. In other words, be "deadma".

Ewww. Its hard pala not to react. As in. I mean, I've been stressed out the whole month and the other day, on a particularly stressful day, I had a very difficult contact on the phone for 30 mins. She was so rude, I was tempted not to do process her deals... but of course, I can't do that. After the call, if that was just about 2 months ago, I'd be cursing her, grumpy and crying. But with all my might, I controlled my reaction. I still cursed her, only for a bit though. Almost cried. Generally an A-ok reaction. Hay. First test.

I am sure that I'd have more tests. But I hope the resolve to "not react" won't disappear. I'm mature, I'm woman. I can deadma you for all I care. Oh yeah!

In the eye of the storm

"I can handle anything that life throws at me. I may not be able to handle it well, or correctly, or gracefully, or with finesse, or expediently, but I will handle it."

4 dates in a day

I had a busy Saturday. Four dates lined up in just one day. Imagine? First, I met up with my cousin Ate Y before lunch. She had coffee and we updated each other on what's been happening. I haven't seen her for two weeks.

And then I had lunch with friend M, at a fav place. It was good lunch, with lots of chika and tsismis from the table behind us. Apparently, the girl had a boyfriend other than the guy she was with. Juicy, huh? Heard her talking to her boyfriend on the phone while she was waiting for the guy she was on a date with. Well.

Anyhoo, then I met up with cousin K and we went to a saloon to get our eyelashes permed. Its so cute! We're so pretty! =) K's boyfriend C was just waiting the whole time. The last time I had a my eyelashes permed was about a year and a half ago and it only took about an hour. Last Saturday, it lasted for about 2 hours. Wonder if I've grown more eyelashes.

To cap the day off, I met friend K to help her shop for our HK trip in Feb. After about a dozen shops, 6 sweaters, 1 pair of pants and a super fab dress, we called it a day.

I liked my Saturday dates. They're so much fun and well, girlie. But I also miss the old school date, with a guy or a boyfriend. For now though, I'm ok with my Saturday dates. Actually am looking forward to more of those.

Second wind

The past few days have been terribly busy to say the least. I never remembered having been this busy in January. Anyhow, so I've been staying late in the office. Grouchy and grumbling normally but funny and sarcastic mostly. I'd be up and perky at 4pm til about 8pm. Then I'd be a walking zombie from 8pm to about 10pm. And then I'd be on second wind after 10. I'd be more alert, ideas keep propping up and I'd be totally focused. Its like I've been given a new perspective at things.

I wish every experience has second wind. You know, like falling in love again after several guys and numerous heartaches. Or having a new crush after 10 years of being with just one person. Or having free use of both hands after 7 days of bandage. Or getting a foot spa at the end of a day-long walkathon. Or finally shedding the baby fat when you're 27.

Gosh, how I long for a second wind! Especially in relationships. Oh well. Don't mind my ramblings, its caffeine enduced and sleep deprived. As an officemate would say, Ta!

Big girl moment

Last wednesday was nothing but an ordinary day, on an extremely busy week, or so I thought. Got up at 7:30 am and went into the shower. I was mentally doing a checklist of the things that I had to finish that day while I was soaping up, then wham! The next thing I knew, I was lying flat on the bathroom floor! I slipped, and hit my head on the wall and my whole upper right side torso was in pain. Urg. I wanted to cry, big time. But I got up instead, showered off the soap and shampoo. Got out of the bathroom, checked myself on the mirror for any cuts or blood. Good thing, I didn't find any blood. Though my wrist and knee had huge bumps.

As if on autopilot, I got dressed very slowly and got out of the flat, hailed a taxi and told the driver to bring me to the emergency room of Makati Med. In the cab, called my boss to tell her I was going to be late for work. Being the kind soul that she is, she asked if I was ok and if I had any company and if I wanted/needed company. Right then and there, I wanted to cry naturally because there was someone so sympathetic on the other line. Before the on-set of any tears, I stopped myself, told her I was in pain but ok and was alone. And told her I'd let her know whatever happens. Then I called an analyst to tell him I was in the emergency room. Again, he was very sympathetic.

Then lastly called my mom. I really didn't want to coz I didn't want to cause her any unnecessary worry. But then I realized that if ever I had something broken, she'd have to know so I called her. I never call my mom in the mornings, so when she picked up the phone, she was a bit surprised. When I told her what happened, as expected, she was half hysterical on the other line. Oh well, too much to ask for her not too worry. I assured her I was fine, I just needed to go to the hospital to make sure nothing was broken.

When I got the hospital, the doctors, the nurses and the xray technicians were very good. After the 4 x-rays they told me that nothing was broken, though I sprained my wrist and they put in a bandage that I had to wear for 7 days. Arg. But at least, I was fine.

I just told this very good friend yesterday through text about what happened. I didn't want people to worry and to feel sorry for me. I never am one to ask for help. She said I should've told her earlier, she couldn't have been with me physically but she would've been there spiritually. But I needed that big girl moment. I needed to know that I can take care of myself, that I wouldn't break down when in a difficult situation.

She did say something that hit me and I quote : "Sometimes it bothers me when I need someone (of my choice) to accompany me and I feel di pwede or di kaya. Specially when I know I always try to be available for others in such time". Damn. Too much for a big girl moment.